


Catch My Heart, Go Swim

by goldengrethan



Category: The Dolan Twins, Video Blogging RPF, Vlogging rpf, Youtube RPF, ethan dolan - Fandom, grayson dolan - Fandom, sister squad
Genre: Angst, Ethan Dolan Does Not Know What Boundaries Are, Ethan Dolan Is A Little Shit, Ethan loves his brother so so much, Falling In Love, Fluff, Grayson Dolan Is Weak Against Pretty Boys, Grayson loves his brother so so much, Grethan, Grief, Internal Conflict, Jealousy, Kind of Depressing, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sexual Tension, Soulmates, Teasing, Twincest, also yall see a theme with my fics???, if the bottoms dont cry then was the sex even good, long coming, smut in later chapters, working through complex emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2019-11-16 13:53:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18095591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldengrethan/pseuds/goldengrethan
Summary: Ethan made him feel like nothing else mattered. Ethan filled the emptiness with love, understanding, warm skin and soft kisses on his face when he needed them most. Ethan filled it up so well, it was terrifying.





	1. Crush

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elusivedays](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elusivedays/gifts).



> Back so soon!!!
> 
> This time with a fandom I've never written for before! 
> 
> Lately I've been so in love with the Dolan twins' dynamic, which is so beautiful and pure and really just never stops giving. I intended for this first chapter to be 2,000 words max, but got a little carried away and ended up with over 3,700! Hopefully it is not too long winded or boring, I really tried to pack some juicy, angsty things into this. 
> 
> This fic was partially inspired by the song Crush by Cigarettes After Sex. Their music is super chill and makes me feel so many emotions, so I highly recommend listening to them, especially this song!
> 
> I fully intend to make this multiple chapters, at least 3, though I'm mainly gauging it off of audience response.
> 
> Remember, comments feed the writer! I would love any sort of feedback on my story concept or my writing, as I am always looking to improve. 
> 
> Anyway, let's get on with it! Thank you for giving this the time of day and giving it a chance to become one of your favorites.
> 
> Enjoy!

_Can’t live without your love inside me now_

_I’ll find a way to slip into your skin somehow_

_I wanna fuck your love slow_

_Catch my heart, go swim_

_Feel your lips crush_

_Hold you here my loveliest friend_

__________________________________________________________________

 

Nothing.

After a while, you just feel nothing.

Nothing.

It’s this unexplainable emptiness, so intense it feels like your chest is being ripped apart, opened up for everyone to see.

It’s exactly like losing a loved one.

At first, it feels like needles. Gently pricking, making you uncomfortable and hurting just enough to keep you aware of their presence.

Then, its like knives. Pushing a little deeper, aching for longer, leaving increasingly mangled wounds that feel like they’ll never heal. You think, it can’t get worse, how can it get worse?

It begins to feel…. Empty. After suffering through stab after stab and feeling tear after tear roll down your face, for countless hours, without any foreseeable end, you just feel empty. You realize, this is worse than the needles and the knives. Because you can’t feel _anything_.

Maybe he’s overreacting. Maybe he’s taking this too far and it’s landed him with an all new problem.

Feeling nothing.

It takes Grayson awhile to realize his changed perspective and complete apathy. It takes Ethan blowing up at him for Grayson to realize he’s not only hurting himself, he’s also hurting Ethan. That’s one of the first times he feel anything, knowing he hurt Ethan and upset him so much that he screamed at him and left without a word. It doesn’t feel like the needles or knives, and it’s somehow worse than the emptiness.

Their father dying had hit harder than anticipated. Ethan had known all along that it would hit Gray just a little worse. Grayson was soft and sensitive by nature, more in tune with his emotions and needs than Ethan could ever hope to be. In hindsight, blowing up on Grayson had not been the best way to handle all of this. He hurt too. It hurt like absolute hell. He’d grown frustrated with Grayson’s apathy and the way he just didn’t fucking care about himself, content with laying in bed and never moving, going through all of this alone. Ethan had been fully prepared to support Grayson and heal with him, but his twin had decided to just avoid Ethan at all costs. Ethan didn’t know if he felt bad for placing all his emotions on him, or just sincerely thought he could get through this by himself, but it pissed him off to his core to have to be alone, away from Grayson, during the hardest part of their life yet.

It all fell apart one day when Ethan decided he’d had enough of being on his own. He came into Grayson’s room and said exactly what had been on his mind, thinking it would feel good to finally get all of this off his chest, and then Grayson just looked at him. Like a fucking kicked puppy. Like he hadn’t been making all of this worse for both of them. Ethan lost it. He ended up punching a hole through his own bedroom door and leaving in his car, driving far, far away until he felt like his head was clear enough.

The whole ordeal made Grayson realize that Ethan was right. He’d been a horrible, weepy, selfish brother. Nothing felt worse than letting down one of the only people in your life you care about.<

Ethan ended up coming back, of course, he always did. He climbed into Grayson’s bed way too early in the morning and cried into his brother’s chest for hours. It’s what they had needed, to just be close, to support each other even if that meant saying nothing and just being a warm embrace for the other.

After that, they’d reached some sort of closure with their loss and each other, though it went downhill all over again, at least for Grayson. Not in the way you’d expect, though. After Grayson realized he absolutely needed Ethan way more than he’d anticipated, it was easier to heal. Grayson found it so much easier to talk through his feelings, and he also noticed Ethan starting to open up about his own feelings as well.

The weeks would pass and Grayson found himself feeling hopeful rather than dreadful. But he noticed some strange things replacing the sad feelings from before. They were still struggling to cope with what had happened, but things were finally beginning to settle and get back to normal. Well, normal if you consider Grayson latching onto Ethan even more than usual, normal.

He didn’t realize he was doing it at first until they did some filming for a video and he began to edit it. It was clear as day, Grayson’s hands _constantly_ on some part of Ethan, an arm slinging around his brother’s shoulders for no reason, staring at Ethan while he talked and not looking away until he absolutely had to. Grayson wondered if Ethan noticed and maybe was annoyed by the increased affection, though he hadn’t noticed Ethan pushing him away or mentioning it at all. Was he just looking into this too deeply? Either way, Grayson made sure not to include too many clips of him being grossly affectionate and was left with just enough to make a proper video for Tuesday, thank God.

It weighed on Grayson’s mind for quite a while, heavy and pressing as if it wanted all of his attention, but Grayson made sure not to give it an inch. If anything, he forgot about it completely. He didn’t want to think about how annoying he probably seemed, he just wanted to greedily take Ethan’s affection as long as Ethan would give it. In Grayson’s defense, he was enjoying himself, why would he have stopped anyway? Was it really his fault that it turned into… whatever this was, that he was feeling?

Warm.

Loved.

Whole.

That’s what Ethan made him feel. Ethan made him feel like nothing else mattered. Ethan filled the emptiness with love, understanding, warm skin and soft kisses on his face when he needed them most. Ethan filled it up so well, it was terrifying.

It hit Grayson like a semi speeding down a highway. Or a jet plane crashing into the ground in a fiery blaze. It was explosive and intense and flaming, it felt like falling slowly from 30,000 feet above the ground and being caught by the gentlest, most familiar hands.

It happened one night when him and Ethan were watching a movie on their couch, winding down from a long day. They were sitting next to each other, Grayson hadn’t even thought about it, too engrossed in the movie, until he felt Ethan’s strong hands grab his bicep and his shoulder. Ethan easily pulled him close, nearly onto his lap. Suddenly, Grayson’s head was comfortably laid on Ethan’s chest, the younger twin barely breathing as it all happened. When he finally took an efficient breath, the nerves began.

There it was again, the sweet burn he felt when he was this close to Ethan. Deep in his tummy, spreading up his torso and blooming in his chest, filling his lungs and circling his heart, squeezing like a vice, before reaching his cheeks and subsequently making them a pretty, baby pink.

Grayson didn’t want to say anything, but he had to, or he was convinced he’d burst into flames.

“Lovey-dovey tonight?” Grayson asked softly, lifting his head so he could look up at his brother. Bad idea, he quickly realized. It was like Ethan fucking knew and was holding it over his head, shaking it in front of his eyes and tempting him to cross every line he’d been taught to keep his distance from.

It took everything in him not to lean in a little closer. He couldn’t help but be captivated by the way Ethan was looking at him, so soft and vulnerable, his pupils wide due to how dark the room was.

“A bit.” Was all Ethan said. He stared down at Grayson until Grayson had the nerve to look away, settling back into his place leaned against his twin’s chest. What the fuck was that? Was he losing his fucking mind? Grayson didn’t dwell on it, because of how genuinely scared he was of all of this.

He loved this feeling Ethan gave him. It was a welcome change from the nothingness he felt for so long. But.. why was it different this time? It wasn’t like Ethan had never been assertive with his own need for touch before, this was nothing new. Why was it that it made Grayson’s body tingle in anticipation until it burned, manifesting as warmth on his skin and a tint on his cheeks?

This wasn’t right. This wasn't normal. And yet, he couldn’t find it in himself to want to stop.

One thing Grayson could admit was that he was greedy. Greedy for a lot of things. _Especially_ for Ethan’s attention. It had always been like that, but never this intense. Grayson wasn’t sure what happened between now and their whole lives. Suddenly, he couldn’t help but let Ethan fill his every thought.

Ethan was constantly there, not always physically, though his presence was irrefutable. Grayson could lay in bed all day with the thought of Ethan, wrapping every one of his limbs slowly in that sweet, burning warmth until he was dizzy and had to refrain from letting his thoughts run too far away from him.

He wondered if Ethan could tell. Grayson was never capable being opaque with him. He thought he’d been doing a good job of keeping it all down. Knowing Ethan, knowing their history and the way these kinds of things went, there was no way he was hiding this very well. Still, Grayson hid it as best as he could. Maybe this time it was different. Maybe he’d be able to bask in it until it made him delirious.

Maybe he’d wake up one day with Ethan speaking the things Grayson had merely been fantasizing about, touching him like he meant it, purposely driving him to the edge but catching him just in time.

Grayson could only hope.

__________________________________________________________________

After spending weeks with his thoughts and making sure they didn't accidentally reveal themselves to Ethan offhandedly, Grayson finally felt like he had control over it. It was no less intense than before, but he managed to keep it down. At least, he thought he had control.

He never did. Not when it came to Ethan.

Breakfast should’ve been simple enough, right? Ethan didn’t usually get up as early as he did, so he wasn’t expecting to be interrupted as he made his banana pancakes as usual. He had just finished a workout, something he’d avoided for months, and he felt good. Strong. Like he still had his edge from before. Grayson showered and set about the kitchen, making himself something quick to eat.

Grayson wasn’t paying attention as he scrambled some eggs in a bowl, taking his sweet time with it. He was too occupied thinking of his twin to care that he’d been stirring for an inappropriately long time. He didn’t know if he would ever stop had it not been for the warm body suddenly pressing up behind him, making him gasp and nearly spill the contents of the bowl.

Grayson closed his eyes and placed a hand over his racing heart, letting out a sigh of relief. The relief soon turned to nerves when he heard the body chuckle, deep and groggy and sleep laced all through it.

“Didn’t think the scrambling was that serious.” Ethan said into his ear, making goosebumps rise down Grayson’s arms and back. To make matters worse, Ethan placed one of his hands on Grayson’s hip, splaying his fingers there while his chin went to rest on his shoulder.

“Y-You just startled me.” Grayson grumbled, defensive, nervous, in shock, completely confused as to what the hell Ethan was doing right now. Despite their general closeness all through their lives, they had never done something as intimate as this. Again, Grayson thought maybe he was overreacting. This was normal, surely. Ethan was just being… indulgent with his touches today.

Ethan didn’t say anything for a moment, looking down at where Grayson began to scramble the eggs again. Grayson cursed whatever god dictated their fate that made Ethan just the slightest bit taller than him.

“Did you want something?”

It came out more confidently this time, playful, totally not like he was losing his mind.

“Yeah, I think I do.”

Grayson swore his knees nearly buckled beneath him. He couldn’t decipher the  tone. It was sleepy, yes. But there was something else. Something vastly unknown to him that he couldn’t grasp right now, not with Ethan’s warmth and his scent and his muscles all around him. Something he’d never heard come from his brother before and something he didn’t think he would ever get to hear in person. Grayson dreamed about that tone, pleasant and pointed and so, so calculated, like Ethan was purposely trying to fuck with him right now.

Grayson concluded then, that Ethan knew.

He knew.

Grayson didn’t know why he expected to be able to hide this from his twin.

Grayson didn’t know why after the revelation, Ethan was doing this. Grayson couldn’t figure out for the life of him why Ethan kept cornering him, saying things like _that_ , turning Grayson’s brain into goop and leaving him with no eloquent way to respond.

He fucking knew.

And for some reason, he was taking Grayson for a ride.

Grayson feigned a genuine smile and laughed a bit, trying his hardest to break the strange tension swirling around them.

“Finally warming up to my cooking? I never thought I’d see the day.” Grayson hummed. He wouldn’t give Ethan the satisfaction of knowing he had effectively flustered him.

“Yeah, you could say that.” Ethan said through his own smile, pulling away slowly so he could grab the carton of orange juice from the fridge.

Grayson felt his heart push against his chest like it wanted to burst. Whatever Ethan was getting at, Grayson absolutely wanted to be a part of. But he couldn’t so easily give in. These were treacherous, uncharted waters. It felt so surreal. It felt like Ethan was flirting. _Flirting_. It was unmistakable, it felt clear as day.

Grayson regarded him cautiously while he watched him pour the juice into a glass, just now noticing he was fully shirtless. Grayson didn’t let himself stare for too long before going to grab a couple bananas from the bunch on the counter. Did Ethan know he was flirting? Again, Grayson felt insane even thinking that. Why would Ethan flirt with him? Even as a joke? Wouldn’t that be strange? Pushing a boundary that should be left untouched and unexplored?

At the same time, maybe Grayson was being a bit of a prude. Why shouldn’t he engage in some friendly flirting? It’s not like it was hurting anyone. It seemed like Ethan was dangling the bait in front of him, surely it wouldn’t be so bad if he took it?

“Well, I know you don’t like my pancakes.” Grayson continued. He wondered how far he could take this. “I think I can think of a few things you’d like, but I’m never sure.” The younger twin sighed sweetly, still facing away from Ethan. Still, he could feel Ethan’s gaze burning through his shirt and leaving electrifying trails as they traveled up and down his body.

Ethan was leaned back against one of the opposite counters, slowly sipping his juice. He knew. He knew exactly what he was doing and he was glad Grayson fell for his computed actions.

He knew the signs, because he’d gone through the same thing years ago, right as they moved into their first place in LA. The feelings that were completely new to Grayson had become second nature for Ethan.

Ethan knew them all too well.

He’d lived with them for nearly four years now. A torturous cycle of hope and desperation that never seemed to end. Ethan wasn’t upset at Grayson at all, it wasn’t his fault Ethan didn’t know how to keep his feelings in check.

It was different for Ethan, the things Grayson made him feel.

Alive.

Radiant.

Whole.

Grayson easily flowed through him like water finding its way down the side of a mountain, frantically rushing over his doubts and anxieties and erasing them from existence, filling the empty spaces with light and love. It was effortless with Grayson. The way his brother so easily tangled himself around his heart and didn’t dare to let go, letting his roots run deep inside of Ethan until he had no choice but to submit, still left Ethan in awe to this day.

It had happened a lot sooner than it had to Grayson, obviously, Ethan vividly remembering the moment he realized he wanted Grayson differently than he was allowed.

Ethan was sure Grayson didn’t even remember the moment happening. They were at one of their friend’s house after a long day at school, the two still in public high school at the time. It was so dumb, all Grayson had done was sit there and play some video game with their friend, nothing special at all. But then, he could remember Grayson handing him the controller and putting his hands over his for a minute. His voice was gentle as he explained how it worked. Ethan hadn’t listened to one thing he said, too busy shamelessly staring at his brother’s mouth to process anything else. Ethan nodded along dumbly and smiled at the end, staring at him for a moment longer before turning his attention to the game, subsequently losing the round for them.

Before that, Ethan had wrestled with his feelings for the whole first semester of their freshmen year, and it had been at that moment that he had finally understood what they meant.

From that moment on, Ethan swore that Grayson would never know.

He was always better at keeping things from Grayson, anyway.

Now, here they were, four years wiser and somehow, hopelessly in love with each other. Ethan’s feelings had never quite fizzled out. He thought the rush of a new city and new people would whip him into shape, but nothing was adequate enough to fill Ethan’s own emptiness exactly like Grayson had.

Ethan had dated plenty of girls on off in the last few years they’d been here, and they all felt like a waste of time. It all felt wrong when the person you’d wanted for so long was sitting in the room next to yours, probably listening to you fuck your problems into some random girl you thought was cute enough.

It didn’t take long for Ethan to realize the change in Grayson’s whole demeanor and behavior around him. After finally having accepted that it would never happen, for so many obvious reasons, Grayson suddenly began to reciprocate his feelings. It kind of sucked, having waited this long, but it was happening and Ethan probably should’ve been happier about it.

In reality, it could never happen. Sure, they could probably fool around, get away with just keeping this to themselves, but Ethan wasn’t sure that was worth it. He felt like that would be agonizing. Being with the one person you've ever loved and not telling anyone sounded like the worst situation imaginable.

Still, the playful banter between them now was fun. Refreshing, even. Now, it was all confirmed in Ethan’s head. Grayson did feel the same. Now, it was about the next step. Maybe this would be nothing more than flirtatious exploration. Or, Ethan could let this go as far as he wanted. He was sure it wouldn’t be hard to have Grayson down on his knees for him.

“Surprise me.” Ethan said as he placed his cup down on the counter, smiling wide even though Grayson wasn’t looking at him. Grayson did turn around, though, going to lean back against the counter on his side and cross his arms over his chest, looking at Ethan curiously.

Ethan wondered if Grayson was trying to pick apart this little game they were playing.

“Dangerous request.” Grayson’s smile grew a little wider.

“Yeah?” Ethan chuckled, deciding to bold. He’d waited five years for this, for god’s sake, he wanted to have his fun. Ethan made his way back over to Grayson, pressed right back up against him like before, though they were facing each other this time. Ethan’s hands went on either side of Grayson and landed on the counter, efficiently boxing him in. Grayson was so predictable and gave him the exact reaction he wanted.

Grayson’s face was obviously warm and red with nerves, embarrassment? Ethan couldn’t tell right now. Grayson sucked in a breath and briefly tensed before almost immediately relaxing. Grayson’s eyes were scanning his face, up and down. What was he searching for, Ethan wondered.

“I don’t think anything you do will faze me.” Ethan continued on, his own eyes staring into Grayson’s like he had any business being this close. And, they were very close. Too close. So close Ethan could press close and seal the deal on this whole thing, but he refrained.

“You underestimate me.” Grayson said simply. Shit. Ethan hadn’t expected for him to be so calm and collected, or to respond at all, for that matter. Ethan stayed quiet, staring, clearing his throat and pushing away from the counter to put some space between them.

What Grayson did to him was… indescribable. The sheer heat and passion he felt pulsing low in his tummy, longing for Grayson, was so intense, he could jump his bones right then and there and feel absolutely no regrets.

“Yeah, alright, shit head.” Ethan teased. He couldn’t fully give himself away right now. Judging by the sexual tension between them, his concealment was probably all for naught, but he had some dignity. He’d preserve it as much as he could.

“Go back to bed, ass face. I’ll wake you up when it’s ready.” Grayson kept playing along and turned back around to continue making those god forsaken banana pancakes.

That moment, they both realized they were beginning a dangerous game.

With little resolve on both ends, they still accepted the challenge.

Neither could shy away from a little brotherly competition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! The end! What did you think? Is it worth continuing?


	2. Sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, an update!
> 
> This one's a lot longer, and will hopefully satiate you guys for now. 
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you so much for the amazing response to the first chapter. I've never been welcomed into a fandom so lovingly before and I appreciate every single reader, commenter, and kudos-leaver who read this and loved this story. I am hoping I can keep updating with increasingly better, interesting chapters that keep on impressing you guys. 
> 
> This one has lot's of fun things in store!
> 
> I'm still on my Cigarettes After Sex bender, so this portion of the story was inspired by their song, Sweet. Again, I highly recommend giving it a listen to set the mood for this chapter!
> 
> As always, enjoy!

_It's so sweet, knowing that you love me_

  
_Though we don't need to say it to each other, sweet_

  
_Knowing that I love you_

  
_And running my fingers through your hair_

  
_It's so sweet_

__________________________________________________________________

Okay.

So, he knows.

The incident in the kitchen confirmed that one hundred percent in Grayson’s mind. It also seemed like Ethan was at least intrigued by the prospect of Grayson’s feelings, judging by how close he’d gotten.

That much was sure.

Where should he go from here?

It wasn’t like Grayson could immediately indulge in the perfection of the situation. He was sure Ethan knew that too. His heart wanted nothing more than to have Grayson drop to his knees in front of his twin and submit his whole self to him, but his brain, always malcontent with letting him live out his wildest dream, chose to look at this more logically.

There was a lot riding on them being normal, functioning people. Their careers, their personal relationships, their wellbeing. Engaging in an intimate relationship with each other probably wouldn’t be the best move, for a lot of reasons.

And yet, Grayson found himself constantly submerging himself in everything Ethan had to offer.

After their first close encounter, it felt like the incidents didn’t stop. It felt like Ethan carefully planned each and every one of these chance encounters, all designed to weaken Grayson’s resolve and have him give in.

Grayson refused.

Wanting to maintain your dignity sucked, Grayson decided.

It got bad one night. Grayson could usually quell his thoughts of Ethan with little problem, but that night, he found he really could not escape his twin, not even in his dreams.

It was mostly a blur, but everything that happened was unmistakable.

  
_Burning skin, heavy breaths, cool hands touching and feeling the searing flesh, trying to sooth the urgency and only making it worse._

  
_Grayson trembling as he was thrusted into, jaw slack and inviting any noises to spill out in reaction to what was being done to him._

  
_Ethan, sweaty, panting heavily, grunting, his muscles rippling under his skin, barely illuminated by the moonlight shining through the open curtains in Grayson’s room._

  
_Grayson threw his head back and professed his love through shaky breaths, his hips lifting off the bed and allowing Ethan to pull him up into a sitting position, forcing them to press against each other and face the matter at hand._

  
_Shameless, debauched, damnable indulgence in a forbidden bliss._

Grayson woke up struggling to take in a breath and his sheets uncomfortably tangled around his limbs.

Once he calmed down enough to a point where his head wasn’t fuzzy, he realized, all over again, how screwed he was.

Instead of spending the rest of the night overthinking, Grayson simply didn’t. He wasn’t thinking when his hand pushed into his sweats to deal with the aftermath of the dream, and he liked to think he wasn’t thinking when he finished the scenario in his head, or when his hips shamelessly stuttered up to meet the pace of his fist. He wasn’t thinking while he climaxed to the mere consideration of Ethan balls deep inside of him.

Ethan wasn’t thinking when, the following week, he made an especially daring move on Grayson that helped make it all a reality for them.

He thought he’d had it all planned, this whole routine of teasing Grayson and pushing him every which way to try and break him down. He was sure of what he wanted, but he wasn’t sure Grayson was ready to give it to him.

It was after their meeting with the psychic twins. Their fortunes seemed so hopeful, too good to be true, even. Ethan was excited for their future, as always, though it felt even better to have his hopes and dreams assured.

Ethan had been most interested in the twins’ insights on their personal lives, their love lives, their codependency. He felt so much pride for what they were doing, and he was thankful he had Grayson by his side, in all his magnificence. He’d always felt like what him and Grayson had, what they were now, transcended everything else. They would always be together, someway, somehow. That much was for sure. That’s why he felt confident in their situation right now, that it would work itself out.

It almost felt like a go-ahead. How could it not? Ethan realized that nothing else mattered, other than their happiness, so what was so bad if they decided to delve into this affair? Wouldn’t it just make them better, happier people?

Well, whatever the right decision was, Ethan was positive his hunch was right.

He was even more confident when they got home and the two found themselves in their separate rooms, Grayson working on cutting down the video from the day and Ethan playing video games in his room. Ethan was bored, and was starting to crave their closeness again. He always hated filming for one reason: not being able to touch as much as he wanted, having to play down their affection for the camera. It was torture. He felt like he hadn’t gotten his fill, so what better to fulfill his needs than to tease Grayson, see if he was feeling the itch for physical contact? Maybe he’d finally give in after today’s reassurances.

Ethan was soon making his way to Grayson’s room with an annoyingly charming smile adorning his face, one that he knew would make Grayson yield to him..

Ethan approached just loudly enough to alert Grayson of his presence, his brother sitting at his desk, facing away from him. Ethan’s hands easily found themselves on Grayson’s shoulders as he stood behind him, squeezing and rubbing for a moment.

“Hey.” Ethan started softly. “What are you up to?” He asked, even though it was obvious, wanting an excuse to talk to Grayson

Grayson wished he was better equipped for the onslaught of butterflies and nerves that immediately racked his body. He wished Ethan would leave him alone to edit, not wanting to deal with his horribly distracting feelings _and_ a hard-on on top of editing. After the wistful dream from the week before, his thoughts had not shown him any mercy. Thankfully, Ethan had backed off in terms of messing with him, not much, but enough to let Grayson ease his affections for the week. “Editing.” He hummed, hyper aware of Ethan’s hands massaging his shoulders. “Actually, I was just about to take a break.” Grayson informed.

Ethan watched as Grayson began to close all the tabs he had open, his hands still rubbing his shoulders, hoping it was flustering him more than helping him relax. “Can I join?” Ethan inquired. He leaned down so his face was right next to Grayson’s, mouth just inches from his ear. “I miss you, Gray.” He smiled sweetly and leaned closer to push his nose into his hair, smiling even wider when he noticed Grayson’s movements on the computer stop.

Grayson was, in fact, frozen. This was a test, it had to be, by some higher power trying to decide his fate or something, trying to see if he’d be tempted by his brother and break all the rules that society has imposed on them. He was finding it quite hard to regain any composure he had after Ethan nuzzled him like that. So, he stayed quiet, probably for way too long to seem like a normal pause.

“Oh, Gray, come on. I thought you liked spending time with your brother. All you’ve done this week is sit in here and edit.” Ethan purred, his lips pressing right behind Grayson’s ear to plant a kiss there, wanting to test the waters with him.

“Ethan..” Grayson finally found the courage to say something, his skin burning with need and anticipation. His eyes had closed as soon as he felt that first kiss, his tummy coiling up slowly, getting ready to release its spring and fill him with a new wave of desire. “We.. We can’t…” He tried meekly. They couldn’t, they shouldn’t, and they wouldn’t.

Right?

Ethan wouldn’t be dumb enough to take it so far, would he?..

“Can’t what?” Ethan continued his tirade of searing kisses and honeysweet words, his lips making their way down Grayson’s neck methodically.

Grayson was at a loss for words yet again, trying to even his breathing out so he wouldn’t give himself away completely. It was all in vain.

Because Ethan knew.

Ethan knew how much he wanted him, he knew how easy it would be to get him to give in, he knew Grayson was weak from the beginning. Before Grayson could attempt to formulate any more coherent thoughts, he let his head tilt to the side, allowing Ethan even more room to kiss.

“Knew it.” Ethan hummed against Grayson’s skin, smiling against him so Grayson knew how cocky he was feeling for getting him like this.

“Fuck you.” Grayson sighed, adamant on keeping enough control over himself to keep Ethan from being too greedy with his affections. Still, he could feel Ethan’s lips working his skin, his teeth biting and sucking and leaving his mark on him, like he was some sort of prize.

And Grayson let him.

Because he was sure he’d never felt anything more gratifying than Ethan earnestly marking him up, purposely, absolutely intending for Grayson to keep revisiting this for as long as has the bruises stayed on his skin.

There was something fucked about that, wanting to be marked by his twin, wanting the marks to be just obvious enough that people wonder what Grayson had been up to, who could be so deeply in love with him that they _needed_ to make it physically known to everyone else?

Grayson wished he had the bravery to push Ethan away, so he could tell him how fucked up this was and that he couldn’t allow them to do this to their relationship.

But, as Grayson has proven time and time again, he had neither the courage or desire to do or say so.

Grayson was forcefully brought out of his dizzying thoughts when Ethan spun his chair around and put them face to face. He stared up at Ethan with wide, uncertain eyes as he watched the older twin reach down to flip the arm rests of the chair up. Then, Ethan surprised both of them by seating himself right in his little brother’s lap.

“You make it so easy, Grayson.” Ethan murmured, placing his hands on Grayson’s chest and letting them slide down his chest slowly, feeling the muscles there under the fabric of his shirt.

“And you make it so _fucking_ difficult.” Grayson said in response, still looking up at Ethan intently.

This was the first time they’d addressed their feelings in any capacity, and Grayson had little hope that the discussion would go farther than this, since he could feel one of Ethan’s hands traveling back up his torso to cup his cheek. Grayson couldn’t help but lean into the touch, closing his eyes momentarily to relish in the simple gesture.

“You’re saying you don’t want to, then.” Ethan asked, to clarify. He knew the answer. They both knew.

Grayson opened his eyes again to look back up at Ethan. He was trying his best to convey his feelings without saying them out loud. He was trying to show Ethan as much sincerity as he could, maybe then he would show him some sympathy for how deeply his love ran. He looked helpless and tired, just wanting some resolve, the younger hoping their twin telepathy would work this once.

“You poor thing.” Ethan whispered softly, smiling knowingly.

It was like time slowed down after Ethan spoke. It all felt unreal as he leaned down to let their lips meet, _finally._

Grayson melted into it quickly, almost embarrassingly so, though Ethan found it endearing, not at all something to be ashamed of.

Grayson swore it was like everything clicked into place. Everything he thought would hurt them, their family, their friends and fans, was suddenly the only thing that made sense. It seemed so clear now. They were bound together, for life, for eternity. It was all they had left to do to be whole. Grayson never knew something as simple as a kiss could feel so right.

Ethan pulled away first, worried that Grayson needed to breath and was just too chickenshit to pull away. He was promptly proven wrong by the feeling of Grayson’s strong arms wrapping around his middle and pressing them together, kissing Ethan again with renewed fervor.

Ethan let out a noise in surprise and happiness against Grayson’s lips, letting him take the lead this time around. How he’d longed to be in this exact position for years of his life, at once convinced he’d never experience the pleasure of kissing the only person he’s ever loved this strongly. Was it too early to say he loved Grayson? Was it too early to tell him he would die for him? Was it too early to hold Grayson in his arms and list off everything he loved about him? A list that would surely continue on as long as they lived?

Grayson was the first to ask for entry into Ethan’s mouth and take full advantage of the access he was granted, exploring with his tongue what he had wanted so fiercely to familiarize himself with. He tasted just as Grayson expected, like laying outside on the grass on a cool summer night, like hugging someone you’ve been wanting to touch for ages, like stars imploding in on themselves at the end of their lives.

It was simple. Pure. Perfect.

They went on like that for a long while, both of them wanting to allow themselves this one indulgence. They didn’t care for anything but now, and how perfectly they seemed to fit against each other.

Grayson finally pulled away from Ethan when he felt himself starting to get just a little too excited, still wanting to have a grip on reality despite his whole body aching for it and shouting at him to go all the way with his brother.

They were quiet, relishing in the energy swirling around them.

“What are you so scared of?” Ethan asked as gentle as he could, his fingers tangling themselves in Grayson’s soft hair, his touches electric and still so careful, like he didn’t want to hurt Grayson. He’d been meaning to ask the question for weeks, but he hadn’t known how to bring up such a loaded question.

Grayson had to swallow the lump in his throat. Why was it so hard to find an excuse? That much should’ve been the easiest part of all of this. Why had Grayson found that finding a reason not to fall head first into everything Ethan had to offer was near to impossible?

Grayson’s eyes were dark and stormy, Ethan realizing he was overthinking.

Ethan wished he could soothe him, somehow, of the thoughts running wild in his head. He could already deduce what Grayson was worrying about, since he’d spent so many nights wrestling with the same problem. He knew Grayson was worried about hiding and not telling anyone. Ethan wished these were different circumstances, he would’ve loved to parade his brother around telling anyone who cared to listen how much he meant to him, but it was just so much more complicated than that. Ethan hated having to face that particular issue. It should’ve been so much simpler. Grayson shouldn’t have to hide if he didn’t want to.

“Let’s take it slow.” Ethan suggested after waiting in silence for a response, raising an inquisitive brow at Grayson. “We don’t have to take it so seriously, yeah? We could fool around, see if we even want to pursue this. A test run, if you will.”

It pained Ethan a bit to have to settle for something casual. He had waited too long to even get Grayson to feel the same, and now Grayson was fighting a battle with himself over his feelings. Nothing could be easy, he had to fall for the one person he wasn’t allowed to have feelings for.

Grayson was still finding it so hard to let it all happen. Grayson had never been the type to do something without careful planning first, to assure his uneasy body and mind that everything would be fine.

It was crazy; Ethan was the one certainty in Grayson’s life. There would never be anything more sure than his brother by his side, linked to him in some way. And yet, he was causing all this uncertainty he couldn’t seem to silence.

“A test run..” Grayson repeated softly, mulling over it in his head for a few moments. That sounded nice, getting the privilege to have Ethan’s body all to himself, whenever he wanted. It was one of the things he’d been itching for this whole time. Grayson wasn’t sure he could handle something so casual and lax, but if it meant he got even a little bit of Ethan’s love, then he felt remarkably inclined to agree.

“Yeah. Okay. Test run.” Grayson finally decided.

Ethan’s smile returned easily at Grayson’s concession, both of his hands now cupping his brother’s face. “Don’t make me wait any longer, then, dumbass.” He smirked, laughing when Grayson smiled back, lifting them out of the seat and promptly moving them to his bed.

A test run.

And what a wonderful test run it was, getting to feel all of Ethan’s love filling him to the brim, pushing him to the edges of euphoria he’d only ever dreamed of experiencing.

__________________________________________________________________

The arrangement worked well.

Grayson had a lot of fun getting to experience all these new things at the hands of his brother, his soulmate, his truest and most assured partner.

Grayson had to reflect, think of everything he could to distract himself, it was the only way he could keep himself from coming immediately, especially with Ethan thrusting into him so harshly and jabbing his prostate like it somehow deserved the delightful abuse.

Grayson was moaning like a bitch in heat, bent over their kitchen counter with his cheek pressed against the cold granite, hands gripping at the edge, searching for purchase while Ethan had his fill of him.

Ethan’s hands gripped his twin’s hips so hard he was sure there would be bruises forming the next day, a beautiful, physical reminder of Grayson’s submission to him.

“Ah- Ethan!” Grayson whined, his head spinning, his body on fire, not being helped by the brutal treatment he was receiving. He was burning, yes, but it was one of the best feelings he’d ever come to know.

Grayson let out sweet little moans with every thrust Ethan delivered, a sound that Ethan wished he could record and listen to all day. On top of Grayson being one of the most exquisite things he’d ever laid his eyes on, Ethan somehow earned the right to hear those beautiful noises he made, and he was the one pulling them out of Grayson. It could not get any better than this, Ethan decided.

“I’m close, Gray, fuck..” Ethan groaned, the words rumbling in his chest. “I know you want my load, Grayson. Want me to fill you up, huh?” Ethan had leaned down to growl the words into Grayson’s ear, his pace having slowed significantly, but the force of his thrusts not letting up at all. “Want me to make you mine?”

Grayson could barely form words in response to that, squeaking when his tummy coiled and let him feel the slow burn of his oncoming climax. “Yes! Yes, please, I want it, please!” He begged. Grayson had to refrain from crying, literally, from the intense pleasure he was feeling and the sheer amount of love radiating from Ethan’s words and actions. Even so, a few tears pricked his eyes and threatened to spill over, all of this just a bit too much for him.

Grayson came shamelessly against the cabinet doors he was pressed against, legs buckling under him but having Ethan there to catch him before he completely collapsed. Ethan finished inside of him, just like Grayson had asked, letting out an appreciative moan for his brother’s glorious ass.

The aftermath was even sweeter, the two showering together in Grayson’s bathroom so they could clean up before their afternoon meetings, kissing lazily under the warm spray. They still both longed to be official, to tell people about each other and gush about how much they loved the other, but this was okay. For now.

__________________________________________________________________

“So, what have you guys been up to?” James asked, careful to wrap his lips just so around his straw, so as to not mess up his lipstick.

Grayson watched him with a soft smile, going to sip on his own coffee too. It had been a long time since him and James had spent time together, one on one, and since Ethan had a separate errand to attend to, Grayson thought it would be the perfect time to call him up  to hang out. He had been feeling good about him and Ethan, but the new development in their relationship on top of dealing with the loss of their father had them in turn keeping themselves in their house to be together and heal. The two of them had shut a lot of people out in these last few months and Grayson was starting to feel the repercussions.

Grayson had been missing James and Emma a lot lately, always content with staying in with Ethan, but craving the companionship of their close friends again.

“We’ve just been chilling out. It’s gotten a lot better, dealing with everything. I think Ethan and I have it all figured out.” Grayson hummed, smiling to himself at the double meaning of it all. Grayson wanted nothing more than to gush to James about Ethan, about how they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. Grayson was bursting with love and devotion, and he wanted badly to tell someone, anyone.

“That’s so good to hear, Gray.” James said with a pretty smile. The little coffee shop they were sitting at had been the group’s favorite for a while, the atmosphere fun and calm, no pressure to do anything but hang out and socialize. “I’m glad you guys are getting back out there, me and Emma miss you guys the most.” He chuckled.

Grayson hummed, feeling bad for keeping them in the dark for so long, but happy that things were starting to get back to normal. “It’s crazy to think that we haven’t hung out in so long. We miss you guys too.” He said cheerfully.

“Ugh, I know. Emma said she was going to meet up with Ethan tomorrow to hang out since she couldn’t make it today, so I think you’ll get to see her then. But we definitely have to plan something with all of us soon.” James informed, typing something on his phone, thankfully, not seeing the way Grayson’s whole mood dropped.

Ethan had not told him about that. In fact, Ethan had not sent a word to him since they both left the house that morning. Why would Emma plan a day to hang out with Ethan alone? And why the fuck would Ethan agree to it? Instead of seething and getting upset in front of james, who had no idea what was going on, Grayson grabbed his piece of avocado toast and took an angry bit, crunching and sitting back in his seat. “I’ll make sure to catch her before they leave.” Grayson said, perfectly calm, not wanting to give himself away.

This jealousy and distaste he had for Emma had been basically nonexistent lately, since his whole world had only consisted of Ethan for the last few months. Though, it was pretty bad even before they admitted anything to each other. He had very much resented Emma for taking so much of his brother’s time and attention, her affinity for Ethan so obvious. Now that him and Ethan were.. whatever they were, it hurt a little more to see Ethan entertaining her little fantasy.

His dangerous thoughts were interrupted by James speaking again, Grayson going to take another long sip from his coffee.

“By the way, I’d love to know what these tweets are about. Are you cheating on me?” James asked teasingly, flipping his phone around to show him the gross, corny tweets about love and ‘the one’ Grayson had shamelessly published in light of him and Ethan. Ethan had given him shit for them too, which Grayson had made up for with a blowjob after dinner. After that, Ethan hadn’t seemed to mind the cheesy tweets.

Grayson laughed and shook his head, rolling his eyes a bit. “It’s nothing.” He insisted, though the stupid smile on his face said otherwise.

“You are not a good liar, bitch ass.” James pressed on. “Are you in love, Grayson Dolan? Is she nice to you? Is she funny? Do I know her?”

Grayson had to remind himself then, oh yeah, he’s supposed to be straight! He wondered if it would be so bad to at least reveal that it wasn’t a girl.

“You don’t know him. But that’s all I’ll say. Nothing’s for sure right now.” Grayson was blushing, of course, having softened up way too much since this all began.

James's eyes immediately widened, his jaw dropping dramatically, in true James Charles fashion. “Excuse me? Him, Grayson?!” He sounded almost hurt. “So you’re telling me, this whole time, I could’ve been actually trying to get into your pants? What a fucking tragedy.” James sighed, putting his face in one of his hands.

Grayson was still laughing, the reaction having been exactly what he’d been expecting. “Yeah, I wasn’t really expecting it either. It just kind of happened.” Grayson sighed. “He’s… completely different, you know what I mean? We aren’t really a thing, yet, I guess, but I love him. So much. I think he loves me too.” He allowed himself to gush a bit, twisting some details to keep it under wraps, but it still feeling so good to say it all out loud. “I don’t feel like we’re rushing either, I’ve known him for a long time. It just feels like I’ve been waiting to admit it all these years.”

James was looking at him fondly, listening to Grayson ramble about this boy, whoever he was. It sounded so sweet and genuine, James had never heard Grayson speak so passionately about a person before, minus about Ethan, but he didn’t put two and two together. “That’s beautiful, Gray. I’m so excited for you.” He said sincerely. “When will we get to meet this mystery man?” He asked curiously, big smile on his face.

“I don’t know. Soon, maybe. He’s not sure he wants all the publicity just yet.” Grayson easily lied. That was perfect, he could keep the truth hidden away and it bought him plenty of time to come up with another cover, if it came to it.

“Well, I was actually planning on having a little party this weekend. Just for fun. Maybe you can convince him to come. It’ll be small, nothing too scary.” James suggested with a playful wink.

Grayson feigned contemplation of James’s suggestion, already knowing Ethan will want to go. “I’ll bring it up.” Grayson settled. James let out an excited squeak and clapped his hands.

Grayson’s smile didn’t falter. He was lucky to have James here to support him, even if he didn’t know all the details, he knew his support extended past all of that.

“So, have you guys fucked?” James asked bluntly after a beat of silence.

Grayson groaned in embarrassment, hiding his face in his hands.

James could be so crude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo, chapter two! What do ya’ll think of the pacing? I’m kind of feeling like I might be rushing it a little, so please let me know!
> 
> In other news, I’m sensing some trouble in paradise, a lil jealousy on Gray’s part, lil bit of upcoming conflict 👀 We'll see how the party at James’ goes...


	3. Come on, mess me up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO!
> 
> It's been a long, long wait, ya'll. I would like to apologize for that, this third chapter took so long for two reasons:
> 
> 1\. College is hard! 
> 
> 2\. I didn't have an outline for this chapter so I just kept writing and writing and writing until I realized I had 10,000 words worth of stuff!!
> 
> I split this chapter into two and edited this half to be more coherent by itself, so I do have chapter 4 on retainer for now. Once I beta and approve that one, it should be posted in the coming weeks!
> 
> Anyway, this chapter's full of angst and jealousy so brace yourselves! I'm hoping this makes up for the delay!!
> 
> And, of course, this chapter was inspired by Come On Mess Me Up by Cub Sport. It's a sweet little song, ya'll should give it a listen!
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy this as much I enjoyed writing it, and thank you for sticking with me through this!
> 
> Don’t forget to leave a comment about what you think, I’m always looking to improve and your honest thoughts are a big help!

_I found comfort, I fell in love with avoiding problems_

_But I want this, you know I want this_

_So come on, mess me up_

_And you can break me if you'll still take me_

_Ruin me, if you'll let me be one of the ones you say you won't forget_

__________________________________________________________________

Grayson’s hands gripped the steering wheel of his unmoving car tightly, staring directly in front of him. At that damned Subaru parked in his spot. He didn’t realize when Emma asked Ethan to hang out, it meant today too, in their house.

Grayson wondered what would’ve been so difficult about sending him a text, warning him of Emma’s presence, so he could fuck off and stay out of the house until she left. To be fair, it’s not like Ethan knew about his hostile attitude towards Emma, so he could let this one slide on those grounds. But, it still seemed odd to him that Ethan wanted to hang out with her alone anyway. They’d discussed Emma’s crush on him before, how pathetic her attempts to get close to Ethan were, how helpless she was when it came to him. Ethan didn’t fully believe Grayson while he explained what he’d seen with his own eyes, which frustrated Grayson to no end.

Grayson finally calmed himself down enough to take his foot of the break and pull up behind Ethan’s jeep, grabbing the iced coffee he had gotten for Ethan as he exited the car. He was trying to mentally prepare himself for this while he walked up to their front door and unlocked it, putting on his usual happy front to face whatever was awaiting him inside.  
It’s not that he necessarily hated Emma, she was nice enough. It was the fact that she had decided to hyperfocus on Ethan, the one person Grayson coveted most.

Ethan and Emma were sat on the couch, a respectable distance apart, Grayson thought, talking animatedly about something, he wasn’t too sure yet. Grayson made sure to present his best smile to them, really not wanting to seem like a complete douche. He also had to remind himself not to greet Ethan with the usual ‘hey, baby’.

“Didn’t expect to see you here.” Grayson smiled down at the younger girl as he handed Ethan his drink, chancing a glance at Ethan that lasted a second too long for his liking. Grayson quickly recovered by looking at Emma again, who was standing to hug him.

Emma wrapped her arms around Grayson’s neck and hugged him close, so happy to see the twins after months of complete silence from them. She’d missed them a lot, missed the laughter and warmth the two of them brought along with their presence, so she was excited to be with them now. “Yeah, I know, I thought I’d just drop by for a bit and see what you guys were up to.” She said with a smile.

“Of course. I would’ve hurried home if I knew you were here. Have you been here long?” Grayson said, always in his nature to say what people wanted to hear. It had been instinctive to do this sort of thing in uncomfortable situations, usually due to his own fear of upsetting the other person. He hated that he couldn’t just be honest and tell Emma to get the hell out of his house, so he just played the game. He was sure Ethan would be very upset about that, so he refrained.

“Half an hour or so. I think I’m gonna head out, actually, I’ve still got a lot of editing to do tonight, but it was so nice to see you two.” Emma said after checking her phone for the time, looking between both of them, still smiling. “Let’s call James next time, he’s been dying to see you too,” Emma chuckled and grabbed her keys from where she’d been sitting.

“Yeah, absolutely.” Ethan finally spoke up, able to see right through Grayson’s facade and not understanding why he was in such a bad mood. He thought interjecting might help the situation since he didn't want him to accidentally say something he would regret. Emma was lucky she wasn’t close enough to Grayson to notice the subtleties of his changing moods, or this would’ve been painfully awkward.

After Ethan walked Emma to the door, Ethan braced himself for whatever Grayson was about to throw his way. He knew Grayson wasn’t particularly fond of Emma, but it he still didn’t see how that meant Ethan had to separate himself from her as well.

“She’s so sweet. We really should plan to hang out with them soon.” Grayson said as Ethan walked back into the living room, now sitting in the same spot on the couch Ethan had been sitting in before. He knew Ethan could tell how he was feeling. Grayson was purposely being difficult right now, just upset at this whole situation.

“You’re a bad liar.” Ethan said, standing in front of Grayson with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Funny, James said the same thing earlier.” Grayson deflected smoothly, turning his attention down at his phone. He didn't want to get into it with Ethan, never liking to fight with his brother, but he was feeling fired up in the worst way, and he wanted nothing more than to give Ethan a piece of his mind.

At the same time, he felt like an asshole. It wasn’t his place to be upset at Ethan, when all this was, was a test run.

A stupid, _fucking_ test run.

They weren’t a thing, they weren’t together, they were ‘fooling around’, and Grayson hated every moment that he had to sit here and pretend his feelings didn’t stretch high into the stratosphere above them.

Grayson hadn’t even worked up the courage to tell Ethan he loved him. Yet here he was, acting like he had any claim in who Ethan decided to hang out with.

Grayson knew it was a given, an unspoken thing that didn’t need to be said out loud. Why else would they be doing this if they didn’t love each other? The casual nature of this relationship was psyching him out and made him anxious more times than not. The longer they did this without putting a label on it the more Grayson felt like maybe Ethan wasn’t as serious about this as he was. And, he knows, the whole point of this was to not take it so seriously, but he couldn’t help how his brain naturally reacted to all of this. He wished Ethan could see that all he needed was reassurance.

Ethan stood in front of him, almost looking like he was in disbelief. “Grayson.” Ethan said, firmer, more serious, not wanting to beat around the bush about this, since Grayson was obviously upset about something, about Emma, something Ethan still wasn’t grasping.

Grayson finally looked up at him, looking like a little kid on the brink of a tantrum, not even feeling like talking to Ethan right now.

“What are you so upset about? Is it Emma? All we did was talk, Grayson.” Ethan promptly clarified. He wasn’t sure if that was what this was about, but he had a hunch that Grayson’s aversion to Emma had come back in full force. Personally, Ethan never saw what he was talking about. He saw Emma as a friend, and he’d never noticed her do or say anything out of the ordinary that should make him think she wanted to be anything but friends. Maybe he was just stubborn, but he thought he’d made himself clear to Grayson: he wanted him, and he’d wanted him for _years_ , and there was no way he was going to throw away what they had right now for a girl that had just barely come into their lives the year before. Now, Ethan found himself getting angry at all of this. He wasn’t sure what else to do to make it more clear to Grayson.

Grayson barely refrained from rolling his eyes, letting out a soft scoff at Ethan’s attempt at a clarification. “It’s not that, it’s the fact that you didn’t bother texting to let me know she was here, and that I had to hear from James that you guys are hanging out tomorrow, without me or him. I don’t understand what’s so hard about being honest with me, Ethan.” Grayson felt stupid, trying to make Ethan understand why he was upset. He was sure Ethan wouldn’t get it, how much it hurt to sit there and watch the love of your life not tell you things, intensely flirt with one of your friends, and then stubbornly assert that he was doing nothing wrong.

“Being honest with you?” Ethan scoffed right back at him. “Honest about what? I can’t hang out with our own friends now? I didn’t complain that you hung out with James alone.” He said, shaking his head at how ridiculous this all was.

“It’s not the same.” Grayson interjected, almost cutting him off. “James does not have fucking feelings for me.” He snapped.

Ethan’s whole face changed then, his demeanor shifting as well. For a moment, Grayson thought Ethan was going to pounce on him and hurt him, but he was surprised to see Ethan just standing there, seemingly fuming.

“She does not have feelings for me, Grayson.” Ethan barked, tone bitter, enraged. “And I don’t have feelings for her. I want you, you dumbass.” Ethan shook his head once more.

Grayson wasn’t even looking at him anymore, absolutely over this as he stared down at his phone again. Ethan could be so annoyingly naive and stubborn about these things. He hated how Ethan loved to throw Grayson under the bus for not agreeing with him. “You’re blind.” Grayson said simply, mindlessly scrolling through his feed as he spoke. “See how she left as soon as I got here, Ethan? She doesn’t like that I take up your attention when we’re all together. She just had to be extra and leave because she can’t handle sharing the attention, because she fucking likes you, bro. And your skull is so thick that you don’t see the that.” Grayson said, finally closing his phone and deciding to give Ethan his attention again.

“So, what? She likes me, you don’t trust me enough to keep it in my pants?” Ethan goaded. He wanted to fight, he wanted to argue, then maybe this would all seem worth it.

“You’re an idiot, Ethan, this isn’t about whether I trust you or not.” Grayson easily grabbed onto the bait, oblivious as he yelled back at his brother. “You shouldn’t even want to hang out with her after realizing she liked you that way, especially when we’re..” Grayson was fuming, though he was at a loss for words on what to call them. He took a moment to breath and try to stop his hands from shaking, but the adrenaline was pumping through him fast.

“Maybe if you got real for once instead of acting like being with me would ruin everything, then I’d care a little more about whether Emma has feelings for me or not. It’s not my fault you can’t handle a serious relationship, Grayson.” Ethan scoffed, immediately regretting the words as soon as they came out of his mouth, but not backing down yet, much too prideful to let Grayson win the argument.

Grayson sat there in silence for only a few moments. He never thought he’d hear something so mean come out of Ethan’s mouth and it be directed towards him. “Fuck you, dude.” Grayson couldn’t handle being here in front of him anymore, listening to Ethan berate him for something so personal, so he stood, walking swiftly to his room so he didn’t have to look at his twin’s stupid face anymore.

Grayson slammed his door behind him, and it was then that the thoughts in his head got just a little too loud, insisting Ethan was right, that Grayson was dumb and pathetic and didn’t deserve Ethan. Despite his best attempts to reassure himself that none of it was true, he couldn’t prevent the tears that slipped down his face. He hadn’t ever cried over Ethan before. Grayson supposed there was a first time for everything.

Grayson slid down his door with his back pressed against it until he was sitting, rubbing his hands over his face to try and stop the angry, hot tears flowing down his cheeks, his attempts to stop only seeming to make it worse. Suddenly, he let out a weak sob, soft enough that he prayed that Ethan didn’t hear, but still audible.

He wondered if Ethan’s feelings made him ache the way Grayson’s feelings did, if sometimes they rose so close to the surface that he felt like he couldn’t breathe and his bones hurt with the need to tell him, to reveal how deep his love ran for his twin. He wondered if Ethan ever sat in his bed in the early hours of the morning, scared to death of his feelings, scared of what would happen once he said them out loud, scared that this was all some sick joke, that Ethan is fucking with him because he thinks it’s hilarious to see Grayson so emotional. Ethan didn’t know how awful it felt to feel like he was losing his brother to some girl.

The needles came so suddenly, feeling so familiar and yet so punishing, coming back to prick at his lungs and making him cry just a little harder. He hated Ethan, he absolutely hated how Ethan got him, he hated that Ethan was in every sense stronger than him, and he hated that even the slight consideration of Ethan with someone else, with _Emma_ , affected him so much. Grayson wished he could love anyone but Ethan, but he knew that was impossible. It had always been Ethan, and Grayson was sure it would always be Ethan.

Grayson didn’t come out of his room for hours after, crying until he couldn’t anymore, until the tears turned to sniffles and he laid in his bed, clutching one of his pillow’s to try and get some semblance of warmth from it. He felt so pathetic, so weak for acting out this way. He was laying on his side, staring at a random object on his desk and faced away from his door. The room was dark, the sun in the process of setting for the night. Grayson was startled out of his thoughts when he heard the doorknob turn. He had to will himself not to start crying all over again, honestly not prepared for Ethan to see him like this. It wasn’t like Ethan hadn’t been there through all his darkest times, but it was different when the reason he was so wrecked was because of Ethan. Grayson didn’t move a muscle, biting his lip and hoping Ethan would think he was sleeping and leave.

Ethan stood at the foot of his bed, not yet attempting to climb in with Grayson, just watching him for a moment. He’d realized in the hours after their fight, that he had come off a little rude and condescending. That hadn’t been his intention, but he realized now that he really fucked up. He wasn’t even sure why the subject of Emma got him so upset. He just wanted to be friends with a girl and not have to feel obligated to date her any point. He thought he had that with Emma, but with everyone around him insisting that she only wanted one thing, he learned to not listen. It was better that way. If it turned out to be true, Emma’s feelings, then they’d deal with it. But he didn’t want to right now, because he knew it would end their friendship and leave him with one less companion. Now, he realized how stupid he’d been for getting angry at Grayson and how it might’ve come off as Ethan defending Emma’s feelings for him, which wasn’t good when all of Ethan’s love was being monopolized by the boy right here in front of him, who was currently clutching a pillow and looking the most tired Ethan thinks he’s ever seen him. He wished he could lay it out simply for Grayson, that he loved him so dearly, but it never felt right. It never felt like Grayson was ready to let it happen. Ethan had been gentle with him since day one for this exact reason; he was so afraid he would hurt Grayson if it just wasn’t the right time. And now, he had hurt Grayson, pretty badly, and he wasn’t sure what to say to fix all of this. Could he even say anything?

“Gray…” Ethan said his name softly, trying to assess exactly how upset Grayson with him. When he didn’t get a response, he frowned, instinctively going to climb into bed with his twin. “Grayson.” Ethan called again. He was laying behind him, not touching him yet, talking to the back of his head. “Look, I know what I said wasn’t cool. I didn’t mean any of it, honestly. I know we’re taking things slow for a good reason, I promise I’m not a complete idiot.” He sighed after he spoke. He was trying to be genuine and convey what he was thinking to Grayson, but he was afraid that he was falling flat.

Grayson still wasn’t responding, having silently started crying again as he listened to Ethan speak. He wasn’t crying because of Ethan’s apology, he was crying because his heart was urging him frantically to turn around and hug him close, accept it and move on. How could he betray himself like that, how could Grayson’s own instincts turn against him and urge him to take the leap, when it was obviously a bad idea? The longer he had access to Ethan on a more intimate level, the more he felt like his reasoning for why they shouldn’t go past sex were dissolving, dissipating into thin air and making less sense. Grayson was feeling more and more like nothing could ever compare to him and Ethan, nothing else could make Grayson love this aggressively.

“I get it if you don’t want to talk to me right now, but I mean it. I’m sorry.”

 _I love you_.

Ethan wanted to tack it on. He wanted badly to profess his love for his brother and live happily ever after, but he thought maybe right now wasn’t the best time to speak such a loaded truth, especially in the state Grayson was in.

Grayson let out a big sigh, sniffling again and wiping his face with the back of his hand. He barely cared about why they had fought in the first place anymore, really only wanting for Ethan to hold him, for fuck’s sake. They’d deal with it later, Grayson decided, because his skin was starting to burn with the need to be touching Ethan in some way. After the younger twin thought he’d gotten himself mostly together, he rolled over and reached out to wrap his arms around Ethan’s waist, pulling him against his chest and burying his face in the crook of Ethan’s neck. The change in his mood was instantaneous, Grayson could practically feel his worries and stress melt away as Ethan wrapped his arms securely around him.

 _I love you_.

Grayson had never felt more inclined to say it than now. He supposed, maybe he was already saying it without saying it at all. He hoped Ethan could feel it.

__________________________________________________________________

In retrospect, Grayson should’ve known.

He should’ve know that avoiding talking about their problems too deeply would come back to bite them in the ass later.

He should’ve known coming to this party was a bad idea, and he should’ve known James stretched the truth when telling them details about this.

But, it was too late, and his head was swimming with all the overwhelming thoughts and worries he thought he’d figured out. The rum wasn’t really helping, either, but he drank on.

James seriously downplayed how many people were going to show up. Grayson had been under the impression that this was going to be just him, James, Ethan, and Emma. It had ended up being a full-blown party, full of alcohol and strangers and other influencers that Grayson did not want to interact with in any capacity.

When they arrived and saw how many cars were parked in front, on the side of the road, the line of them reaching the end of the street, Grayson immediately suggested leaving, his instinctively-introverted nature always coming back to avoid big gatherings such as this one.

Ethan insisted they stay, that this would be good for them. They hadn’t gone out and done anything fun for quite a while, and Ethan was personally ready to dive back in. He wanted Grayson to feel the same too. He was sure that after a few drinks, they’d be having plenty of fun. The only downside was that they couldn’t be as close as they wanted, especially with so many strangers around them. Who knows what their intentions were? Ethan knew one picture of them doing something a little too intimate would stir things up quite a bit, not in a good way.

So, Grayson trusted Ethan.

He should’ve known it would all hit the fan pretty fast.

Grayson was sat in James’s living room, sipping on a rum and coke that Ethan had made him earlier. Grayson wasn’t moving around the crowds of people or socializing too much because he knew how awkward and incoherent he could get when he was drink. So, he was taking it slow. This was his second drink of the night and he already felt nice and warm, his brain fuzzy, eyes droopy as he watched everyone dance and have fun. Ethan had disappeared somewhere, something about getting another drink, or maybe he said he wanted to go say hi to some people, Grayson couldn’t remember. But he wasn’t back yet, and Grayson was getting increasingly more annoyed with not having Ethan beside him. With the influence of alcohol running through him, Grayson decided to go look for him, despite knowing he probably won’t be able to keep his cool once he stood. He was a horrible, clumsy drunk, the kind that looked like they were faking how truly drunk they were, seeming like they were over exaggerating, but Grayson was just, sincerely, a pussy when it came to tolerance.

Grayson was a little wobbly on his legs when he stood, spilling his drink a little but silently laughing it off, starting his trek to the kitchen to see if Ethan was maybe just caught up in conversation. The kitchen yielded nothing but some forced greetings and a stronger drink. Definitely a bad idea, but Grayson would claim innocence under the guise of already being too drunk, which he was convinced would hold up if Ethan questioned why he’d gotten so shitfaced.

It didn’t take long at all to find Ethan. Not long when Emma was in his lap, an arm wrapped around his shoulders as they talked, looking at each other like they wanted nothing more than to get out of here and fuck each other’s brains out. The looks Grayson could see pointed in their direction were of interest, of mirth, the strangers not seeing anything out of the norm when they saw Ethan and Emma all over each other. Rumours about their supposed relationship had been orbiting their bubbles for quite some time now, so this must’ve just looked like confirmation. Under normal circumstances, Grayson should’ve ignored it. It shouldn’t have meant anything to him that Ethan was securing a bedmate for the night. Things tended to get a little foggy when you were fucking your twin brother, though.

Grayson couldn’t help but let his emotions overrun his thoughts and actions. He didn’t feel like himself as he boldly walked towards them, his brain screaming at him to _stop, take a breather, Gray, it’s fine, you’re fine, you can’t do this right now._

“Ethma lives,” Grayson said as he approached, a grimace trying hard to be a smile adorning his sharp features. Ethan looked like a deer in headlights, like he knew how fucked was. And he was, in a lot of ways, and Grayson was having a hard time not screaming right now. “I was just wondering where you were.” Grayson looked a little insane right now. It was hard to keep his rage down when everything he’d feared was unfolding out in front of him.

“Gray-” Ethan began, but Grayson quickly raised his hand to stop him.

“No, you’re good. You two have fun. I’m gonna go see what James is up to.” Grayson quickly lied, walking away promptly before he did something he’d regret. He could barely process his thoughts right now, feeling like he was on autopilot as his legs carried him up the stairs of the house, landing him in James’s room.

Grayson didn’t cry, he didn’t scream, he didn’t punch anything. He was mostly in disbelief at what he’d seen. He couldn’t understand, for the life of him, why Ethan was doing this. He didn’t understand why he had put so much stake in Ethan, why he had trusted him with his heart, why he ever thought this could work. Grayson felt so dumb for letting himself get too attached and looking for love where it wasn’t supposed to be. He should’ve known Ethan was simply misleading him, only wanting to selfishly take and never give anything back. Thinking back, being with Ethan had been beautiful, life-changing, _mind-blowing_ , the most fun he’d ever had and the happiest Grayson had ever been. How it had all come crashing down, how Ethan could take advantage of him like that and rub it in his face with Emma, he couldn’t wrap his head around. Grayson sat at the edge of James’s bed with his head in his hands, his brain pounding against his skull, a bit shaky as the adrenaline from his recent exchange with Ethan and Emma slowly wore off. He barely heard the door open and close, blood rushing so fast to his ears that he was sure he’d be deaf by the end of the night.

In hindsight, Ethan should’ve been a little more careful with his socializing.

He should’ve drank a little less, and he shouldn’t have let Emma get so comfortable with him in the first place that she felt so inclined to sit down in his lap like she had, but he had been too buzzed to care. Ethan had been happy with the attention, although not from the best source, since Grayson had been distant lately. And, on top of that, he was enjoying their conversation and managed to push away the guilty feeling that he was feeding into her desires by not saying anything about her forwardness. He knew he should’ve pushed her off, because as soon as he saw Grayson approaching them, he knew he absolutely fucked up. Royally. Ethan had left Emma, quite confused on the loveseat, the young girl not understanding why Grayson was being such a cock block. She knew they were close, so it made sense that Ethan went to check on him. But, she couldn’t understand why Grayson had seemed so upset about them.

Although he was feeling quite floaty, not in the state to be dealing with this, Ethan knew he couldn’t leave this till the next day. Grayson would hate him even more, and he couldn't have that.

Ethan opened the door slowly and peeked his head in, his heart aching at the sight of Grayson slumped down in his lap, his face in his hands. He wasn’t sure how to start, but he could feel his intoxication moving two steps ahead of him, seeming like it knew what to say as he walked into the room.

“It’s not what it looks like, Grayson.” Ethan began, words slurring just the slightest. “I know, it looked really bad, I fuckin’ know, but I swear. We were just talking. Please, look at me, Gray,” Ethan began to plead towards the end. “I’m so sorry, Grayson, I know I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve any of this, I know,” He spilled carelessly, rambling with the help of vodka. Soon, Ethan was dropping to his knees in front of Grayson, wrapping his own hands around Grayson’s wrists to get his face out of his hands.

“Please, Gray. I know you’re angry, and you should be, but just look at me.” Ethan hiccupped, tears rushing to his face as it all settled in. How could he be so foolish? How could he have taken Grayson’s heart in his hands and torn it apart the way he did? Finally, Grayson let his hands fall from his face, but he was still looking at his lap.

“Shut the fuck up.” Grayson finally spoke, moving his hands out of Ethan’s grip. “Get the fuck out of my face.” He slurred angrily and reached to push at Ethan’s shoulders, making the older twin fall back onto his hands. “I don’t know why I ever thought you and me could work. I wish this would’ve never happened, then you could go be happy with Emma, and I don’t have to sit here and watch and get my heart broken over and over again.” Grayson sounded pitiful, on the verge of tears too.

Ethan didn’t know what to think of all of this. He didn’t even know he was capable of hurting someone this badly. How could he have done this to the one person he’s ever loved? “No, no, don’t say that, please don’t say that.” He continued to beg. Ethan felt a horrible feeling in his tummy, heavy and stinging, like it was over, like there was no coming back from this. Fuck fuck fuck. That couldn’t be, it just couldn’t. He loved Grayson too much to let this all end so quickly.

“You have  _no_ idea what I go through on the daily for you. I’m so fucking anxious all the time that you’re going to tell me this is all a joke, that you don’t want me, that you like Emma, I can’t stop myself from thinking and thinking and overthinking until I feel sick.” Grayson was raising his voice, the anger getting to him, not able to bring it down to a simmer. “You don’t make me feel any better when you insist nothing is happening with you and Emma and then you go and do shit like _that_ in front of everyone,” Grayson stopped so he could look away from Ethan, squeezing his eyes shut to try and calm himself down. “And the awful thing about all all of this is, as much as you put me through hell and as much as I don’t want to love you, I do.” Grayson’s voice cracked as he let himself cry, finally, deciding to blame the alcohol for making him so sentimental, thinking it was better than punching Ethan in the face. God, he felt so emotionally wrecked, hating himself for not having more control over his feelings. He had never cried this much over anything, other than his father, and he loathed that he had fallen this hard for Ethan. “I love you, Ethan, I think I always have. I love you so much.” Grayson’s face was back in his hands as he tried to get a hold of himself, wishing Ethan wasn’t looking at him right now, so meek and pitiful.

Ethan was at a loss for words. Grayson loved him? He wasn’t sure why it was such a shock, why it seemed like Ethan would never hear the words come from Grayson himself. He guessed he’d convinced himself so long ago that there was no way it would happen. But, now, it was happening, Grayson _loved_ him, and he had hurt him so badly that Grayson wished he didn’t. “Gray…” He said, still disbelief. So much so, that he didn’t know what to do. “I love you too, Grayson.” Ethan said, so soft, barely audible, pressing closer and grabbing Grayson’s face in his hands.

Grayson’s eyes were wide and watery as they stared down at Ethan, trying to process his reciprocation of feelings. There was no way that was true. After Ethan had proved that Emma meant more to him than his own brother, he shouldn’t have believed it. Then, why was it that Grayson found it so hard to look away from Ethan’s face, letting even more tears fall to his face while he let the confession sink in? “W-What?” was all Grayson could muster up as a response.

“I love you.” Ethan whispered, just a bit louder, wanting,  _needing_ for Grayson to hear and understand. He loved him so much, even saying it felt like an injustice to how deeply he felt. “I love you so fuckin’ much, I don’t think you can understand how much. You’re my everything, Grayson, I’d kill for you, and there’s no way I’d ruin all of this for some girl.” he rambled, spilling his guts out to his brother, after having held it in for so long.

Grayson was crying for a whole new reason now. It should’ve worried him, how easily he had just gotten over Ethan fucking with his feelings. All Ethan had to do was say he loved him, and Grayson was easily falling back into Ethan’s arms and forgiving him a thousand times over. Nothing could dampen the euphoric feeling that rushed over Grayson when Ethan said those three, simple words. “E…” he choked out, pushing against Ethan’s chest, trying to get him to go back on it and tell him he was kidding, just in case. But, when all Ethan did was look at him, with a look in his eyes that was something like sincerity and determination, Grayson cried just a little harder. He realized, Ethan was serious. He realized, no matter how Ethan felt, or what he did, he would love his brother unconditionally and would always dote on him. “Ethan,” He said again, not knowing what else to say, before he felt his brother close the distance between them and kiss him, slowly, so tenderly Grayson wasn’t even sure how to react.

Ethan could sense Grayson’s reluctance, so he took the lead, moving his lips against his brother’s sweetly. “I love you, Grayson.” He breathed, wiping the deluge of tears from his brother’s cheeks.

Grayson chased his lips when he pulled away, not wanting to be apart from Ethan right now, just needing his big brother close. “I love you.” He finally said again, wrapping his arms around Ethan’s neck and pulling him closer, initiating another deep, passionate kiss.

It all moved so fast, especially in his intoxicated state, but suddenly he was perched in the middle of James’s bed, shirt discarded somewhere and Ethan working on getting off his pants off too. Ethan hadn’t touched him in so long and even if the circumstances weren’t ideal at all, he wanted Ethan. He wanted Ethan to touch every inch of his body, fuck him so good that all Grayson could see was stars, prove how much he loved him. The fact that they were doing this in their best friend’s bed was the least of their worries.

And to think, Grayson had started out the night wanting nothing to do with Ethan.

Grayson’s brain didn’t stop thinking a mile a minute while he bounced in his brother’s lap, hips snapping up and down methodically. Ethan’s warm touch was searing the skin on his hips and making Grayson moan shakily at the added sensation. Grayson wished he was a little more elegant when it came to this stuff. He was sure he looked crazy, probably like a desperate slut, fucking himself back on Ethan’s dick and letting out the prettiest, most obscene noises. He would never usually be this loud, but he found it was so much easier to do whatever the fuck he wanted when he had the excuse of being drunk. A part of him also wanted to put on a show for Ethan, no matter how extra he was being, or if anyone could hear. He was pretty sure no one could hear over the loud music playing downstairs anyway, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything but Ethan. It would always be that way.

Ethan had never felt more in love than right then, seeing his brother, his soulmate, his entire world, chasing his orgasm on top of him like this was the last time they'd ever get to do this. Ethan wished he could form more coherent thoughts so he could let Grayson know how beautiful he looked, how Ethan would do anything just to be near him, but all he could say was ‘I love you’, all he could do was moan and grunt in approval at whatever Grayson did. God, it felt so good to make love to him,  _really_ make love, fill him with so much love that he’d be overflowing with it. Instead of trying to think of something sweet and eloquent, Ethan hardened his grip on Grayson’s hips and thrusted back up into him to relieve some of the work his brother had to do.

It was beautiful. Blissful. Harmonious. They felt one with each other, complete, like it had felt their first time.

Grayson could feel his thighs shake with the strain of riding Ethan, his moans getting louder, more frequent, rich and resounding in Ethan's ears. For a moment, their eyes met, and everything seemed like it was right in the world.

They’d been so close, too.

In their defense, they were caught up in each other, in the moment, in the sweet heat and passion swirling around them, Grayson wasn’t thinking, and neither was Ethan.

Maybe that’s why they didn’t stop immediately when the door to the room opened, not until they heard an audible gasp and a familiar voice, shocked and shaky, say Grayson’s name. Grayson’s head whipped back to look towards the source of the sound, eyes widened and his whole high ruined as he quickly climbed off of Ethan, grabbing the comforter so he could cover himself up. “J-James,” He said breathlessly, not knowing what to say or do.

They’d just been caught.

Ethan’s first reaction was annoyance at the fact that Grayson had pulled off, until he fully processed that there was someone else in the room. He felt the guilt and shame fill him immediately once he realized it was James. The first words out of his mouth being a disheartened ‘Fuck’.

The twins simultaneously wondered how they were getting out of this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, let's see how the twins get out of this one...
> 
> Tell me what ya think, I'm grateful for every comment or criticism you have!


	4. Compass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.....
> 
> This has been so long coming, and I'd like to apologize for the extremely extended delay. Lots of things contributed to it, mostly school and my own lack of inspiration to write, but we got there!
> 
> One of you left me a comment earlier this morning and it invigorated me to finish this chapter up!
> 
> This chapter is brought to you by the song Compass by The Neighborhood
> 
> This is mostly filler, coming up on some bigger things that I'd like to do, but I hope it makes ya'll happy! In this chapter we take a more realistic look at Grayson and Ethan's relationship. 
> 
> Thanks so much for everyone's continued support through out this process. I would not have been able to finish had it not been for everyone always leaving kudos and encouraging me to keep going!

_I've got something to confess_

_I'd keep you in my pocket to use_

_You're my only compass_

_I might get lost without you_

_Could you tell me where to go?_

___________________________

James knows.

There’s a part of Ethan that’s convinced he was meant to find out at some point, eventually. Not like this, obviously, but it’s all Ethan has to assure himself that this would all be okay. False hope was better than freaking out, right?

Ethan had been standing in front of the bathroom mirror for far too long, staring, contemplating, zoning out. He tilted his head to the side, studying his features one last time before splashing them with some cold water. 

He hadn’t thought this far ahead. He never anticipated getting caught, especially not while they were doing the worst, most inconceivable thing they could’ve been doing. Ethan had always thought there was no way they could be so reckless, considering the severity of anyone finding out. 

But, here they were, forced to face the guilt and awkwardness that came with James knowing.

Ethan was much more sober now, but he still felt the soft, buzzing warmth vibrating through his bones from the vodka. A million things were running through his mind and he was wasn’t sure what exactly to hone in on. It took him another couple minutes to work up the courage to open the bathroom door and join his brother and James back out in the room. He was sure Grayson probably hated him for spending so long avoiding the issue at hand.

Grayson and James were both sat with their backs against the headboard of James's bed, sitting in silence, not looking at each other. James wasn’t clearly showing any sort of emotion other than indifference, or maybe his poker face was just that good. Grayson, on the other hand, was shamefully looking down at his lap and fiddling with his hands as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. He only lifted his head to look at Ethan when he came out of the bathroom. He looked so relieved, almost pleading, trying to communicate something to his older brother. Ethan would kill for that twin telepathy right about now. 

Ethan went to situate himself in the middle of the bed, sitting in front of both of them, still quiet as he looked between the two boys. He wasn’t sure where to start. Where should he should he have started? Sorry for not being honest? Sorry for being awful human beings? Sorry for fucking in your bed? 

James seemed to know, though. _Thank God._  

“I knew.” Were the first words out of the older boy’s mouth. He said them so coolly. Both Ethan and Grayson felt the collective shock of the statement, looking at each other briefly. “I’ve known since coffee last week.” He said, and looked to Grayson, giving him a soft smile. 

Grayson had to furrow his brows, blinking at James a few times like James had just spoken another language. “W-What do you m-mean? I didn’t go into s-specifics…” Grayson tried shakily. What could he have said that made everything click in James’s head? 

“You didn’t. And that was my first clue. It just didn’t make sense at first. You falling in love with a boy, first off, and a boy that I’d never heard of or met before? It just seemed so out of the blue.” James explained. “I remembered later on that you said yourself that all you’ve been doing is sitting at home with Ethan and filming. You never once mentioned hanging out with anyone or having anyone over, and that was my second clue.”

Grayson looked like  he was going to be sick as he listened to James explain his reasoning. He had thought he’d covered their tracks pretty well, that no one would be able to see past their brotherly facade. 

“I thought maybe it was Bryant, but he hasn’t mentioned hanging out with you guys lately. And he is definitely one of the last people I’d think was gay.” James hazarded a chuckle, trying his best to ease the tension around the conversation. “Ethan was definitely the last possibility in my head. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, because accusing you of being in a relationship with your twin is a lot, but it made the most sense.” James hummed.

Ethan’s brain was still reeling as he began to process everything James was saying. He had so many questions. Why didn’t James look disgusted? Why wasn’t he condemning them to hell, or kicking them out of his house? Why wasn’t he screaming about ruined sheets and how fucked up this all was? The twins sat there, baffled into silence. Ethan worried that, if James put it all together by thinking about it just a little too hard, who else could do the same? Who else already had? This perfectly calm, compassionate approach to finding out about something so majorly unbelievable made the twins equally queasy. 

“It’s okay, alright, boys?” James said after a beat of silence, smiling a little more and going to shove Grayson playfully. “I’m sure you want to explain yourselves, but you don’t have to. I won't make you.” James assured. 

“Why aren’t you angry? Aren't you grossed out? This is fucked, isn't it?” Grayson finally huffed out, sounding frustrated. “You don’t have to be so nice to us, James, really, we understand.” Grayson tried to give him an out, because he was convinced he was better prepared to deal with hostility rather than James’ flat out acceptance.

“It’s unexpected, for sure,” James admitted. He was trying to ease their minds, knowing they had expected resistance and were probably surprised when he gave them the opposite. “But, again, I’m not upset. Upset that my egyptian cotton sheets had to be sacrificed, absolutely.” James huffed and raised a brow at the two of them. “That’s all. You guys are made for each other. I don’t think there’s anyone out there that could love you as much as you already love each other. _It’s okay_.” James tried, again, to reiterate. It wasn’t like he wasn't used to the twins being overly intimate with each other, anyway, sans the change in their relationship status. This was just confirmation of something that had been lingering in the back of his mind for the entire time he’d known them. This was nothing new.

Ethan could already feel the relief rush in and the nerves wash away the more James spoke. He wondered if he was reacting too soon. Maybe James would soon realize that this wasn’t right and change his mind completely. Ethan didn’t care, though. He was so elated and _happy_. Somehow, they had managed to get the best possible scenario. He felt so dumb, not knowing how the hell else to express what he was feeling. 

Grayson truly felt like he’d lost his mind, hearing such heartfelt things come out of James’s mouth. He wasn’t sure what else he’d expected, though. James had never been anything but open and kind, this shouldn't have been as shocking as it was. “God, you’re too fucking nice.” He sighed and went to plop his head in his hands, trying to rub his eyes free of any dumb emotions that might be wanting to manifest as tears. He’d done enough crying these last few months. He was done. He should be jumping for joy at this, for God’s sake. 

Ethan shook his head in disbelief, but there was a smile creeping onto his features, slowly upturning the corner of his lips and offering all of them some of the relief he was feeling. Just a bit, just enough to let James know that they had reached an understanding. 

“Do you.. have any questions for us?” He finally said, thinking maybe James must’ve been curious about them. He had to be dying to dig deeper, that’s just who he was. 

James’s smile soon turned to one of excitement, the brunette racking his brain for any pressing questions he had. “Do you guys switch?” James inquired, chuckling at the annoyed look on the twins’ faces. 

Ethan immediately looked annoyed, rolling his eyes playfully at the question. Grayson looked embarrassed and slumped down in his spot a bit, cheeks a rosy red color. 

“No. Not yet, at least.” Ethan answered first, looking over at Grayson and smiling wide at his twin, almost looking proud at the answer. 

“I always thought you’d bottom, honestly.” James hummed in Ethan’s direction.

“Have you met Grayson?” Ethan asked in joking incredulousness, laughing as well. 

“Oh my god, stop, please.” Grayson groaned out, pouting at the other two boys. 

____________

For a small moment in time, it seemed like they had returned to some semblance of normalcy. James hadn’t recanted on his initial support of them, thankfully. Grayson was sure he wouldn’t have been able to take it if they lost James over this. It felt weird to not have to hide in front of him, to be able to cuddle close to Ethan and not have to pull away in a minute, kissing him on the cheek and not getting a reaction at all. The twins didn’t know what they’d done to deserve such an understanding friend. The weeks flew by and it all seemed to settle into place, their filming schedule, their friendships, their newfound relationship. 

Grayson was still getting used to the I love you’s, which were so much more frequent after the incident at James’s party. It’s not like they didn’t say it all the time anyway, usually after phone calls or when they’d be parting ways for a long while, but now, it was so different. It meant so much more. Saying it tasted just a little sweeter. It was one of those things that made it worth it for Grayson. He didn’t exactly enjoy having to keep all of this a secret and would’ve much rather preferred gushing about Ethan without end, but the mere privilege of getting Ethan all to himself at the end of the day was more than he could’ve asked for. 

Ethan had been enjoying how effortlessly Grayson engrossed himself in their relationship after having James find out. It seemed like any fears that Grayson had before about them were eased, at least for now. Ethan wasn’t sure why James had triggered this new attitude, but he was so happy it did. Grayson was being perfect as always, even more so than before, so he really couldn’t complain. 

Now was one of those rare times they went out to get some fresh air and spend a day out, shopping and eating and indulging in each other’s company. Neither liked that they couldn’t exactly turn up the PDA, no holding hands or kisses on cheeks and lips, but it was nice, nonetheless. Ethan could still walk close and stare at him as much as he wanted to, as long as they were talking. 

Grayson was thinking, as always. Thinking too much, especially when this whole outing was meant to help clear their heads of their responsibilities for a while. He was thinking about Ethan, about their future, if there was any foreseeable way they could end up together and not worry about anyone’s gaze on them. Grayson knew it was a little early to be thinking about it, but he couldn’t help it. He had to have a plan. Grayson was watching Ethan eat his lunch, pretty unashamed, wondering what kind of life they’d live, together in this way. 

“Have you ever thought of marrying me?” Grayson asked suddenly, fingers gripping the straw in his drink so he could stir it as he spoke. 

Ethan nearly choked on his bite of food when the question was prompted, the older twin raising his brow as he pondered the answer. Ethan cleared his throat after he swallowed, looking back up at Grayson curiously. “Why?” He asked in return, a smile playing on his lips. The answer was yes, he'd thought about marrying him, having kids, renewing their vows, the works, all within reason. It wasn’t like they could easily go and do all that stuff. “Are you about to propose?” He teased softly and went back to eating his food, still looking back at Grayson. 

Grayson rolled his eyes playfully and shook his head. “‘Course not. Why would I marry a lazy ass like you?” He joked, resting his chin in his palm, his gaze never ceasing to be fond. 

“Because, douchebag, you’re in love with me.” Ethan laughed, feeling an overwhelming urge to lean forward and kiss him, despite the presence of people around them. 

“Mm, I guess you’re right.” Grayson chuckled and looked away coyly. 

“I’d love to marry you.” Ethan said suddenly, smiling even though Grayson wasn’t looking. “I’ve thought about kids too. Though, that might be a lot. I don’t think I can handle another mini-Grayson running around.” He laughed, whining softly when he felt Grayson kick him gently under the table. 

“You’d be lucky to have a kid with me.” Grayson smirked, setting his fork down and sitting back in his seat, continuing to watch Ethan for a moment. “I want more than one, though.” 

Ethan only hummed, looking up at Grayson again as he continued to eat. “We’ll see.” He murmured, smiling over at his brother once more, for good measure. 

____________

There were other times that Grayson wished they could do without. It wasn’t always so easy, sadly. He still had his days full of anxiety and self doubt to the point where he didn’t even want Ethan close. 

There were days where he thought about their dad and what he’d think of all of this, if he would look passed the obvious reasons why Ethan and Grayson shouldn’t be doing this and if he’d understand that love wasn’t so black and white when it came to them. 

There were times where Grayson would snap, or Ethan would, and they’d argue and try their best to pick the pieces back up and try to get along despite every possible thing being against them. 

Grayson liked to lay in bed for as long as he could on these days, before Ethan decided to come and bug him about being lazy. He usually laid there, thinking and overthinking, calming himself down and working himself up all over again. It felt just like when they’d first gotten the news of their dad’s passing. But that was the thing; he didn’t feel anything. Just emptiness. 

Ethan hated when Grayson got like this, but he didn’t fight. He had never considered himself stronger than Grayson, not physically _or_ emotionally, and yet he found himself being strong for both of them most times. Ethan hated how good he’d gotten at making Grayson feel like living again. He’d realized long ago that the only thing that could make all of it better would never be an active part of their lives again, and they both had to accept that.

The rest of those nights were spent either with Grayson wrapped in Ethan’s arms, as Grayson tried to explain why it all hurt so bad. Ethan knew it was a lot for Grayson to even be talking openly about all of this, so he was attentive and he made sure Grayson knew that he’d never leave his side, even at the worst of it. 

Other nights he wasn’t so kind. Other nights, Grayson would get angry, he’d fight and push until Ethan left him alone, until he left bruises or Ethan finally fought back. 

Grayson didn’t want Ethan to have to baby him or to have to burden himself with both of their shit, but he had come to the hard conclusion that without Ethan there to hold him and assure him that it would all pass or to take his punches, he wasn’t sure he would’ve made it as far as he had.

What Grayson had started to learn was that they were not perfect. They never would be, together or individually. 

That was okay. 

In the mornings when the storms had passed and eyes were finally dry, Grayson made sure to let Ethan know how grateful he was, in every way he could. It was in the small things and the big things, in the toast he made for him each morning, in every load of laundry, in every kiss and touch and hug, in every word of blatant adoration he spoke. 

Sometimes being alright was all that they were able to strive for, and that was okay too. 

____________

When they both escaped their slumps, their days were filled with the things they loved.

They rode bikes and surfed and went to outlooks and hiked, trying to exert all their energy into something they actually enjoyed doing.

It was Grayson’s idea to load up the jeep and spend the afternoon at the beach, but Ethan had other plans.

They’d gone through the motions of getting there, of parking, of making a move to get out of the car until Ethan shot a hand over to Grayson’s thigh and held him in place for a moment. 

“What?” Grayson inquired after a second.

Ethan actually stopped to look around, only noticing a couple other people on the beach. “Blow me.”

Grayson’s eyes widened and narrowed at his older brother, pushing his hand away and chuckling at the instruction.

“Dude, the sun’s gonna go down and then we’re not going to be able to swim.” Grayson reasoned.

“Yeah, and?” Ethan said, looking almost annoyed with Grayson’s resistance, like it was unwarranted or something. “You haven’t blown me in the front seat yet.” Ethan hummed. 

Grayson stared at Ethan for another minute it seemed and then moved his gaze to the horizon and where the sun was nearly touching it, looking up at the ceiling of the car as if asking some higher power for strength.

In another life, Grayson was used to getting laid every few months, if he was lucky, or maybe every couple weeks if he was actively trying to see someone, but Ethan was so very different. His brother never seemed satisfied. Grayson had never gone _multiple_ rounds with anyone in one sitting, never even conceived of going more than twice in one night, and yet Ethan was surprising him everyday. 

Grayson couldn’t _really_ complain though, because he’d never felt genuine pleasure when he wasn’t receiving it, and nothing made him feel better than making Ethan feel good. Grayson would have preferred to move to the backseat, but he supposed it wasn’t too much of a nuisance to have to lean over the center console.

He liked the jeep a lot, it was so roomy if they pushed the backseat back and spread out. This was already the third time today Ethan had prompted him to pleasure him in someway. Grayson was still sensitive from this morning and had yet to fully recover. The solution seemed obvious: tell Ethan to chill and give him a break longer than a couple hours, but that was hard when Grayson couldn’t stand to disappoint his big brother. Grayson wanted to be his everything, and that included being his source of pleasure, too. 

Grayson knew Ethan just needed _something_ to fuck and come inside of. Even more exhilarating than being in a car and doing such heinous things in the first place, he was reminded that they were at the beach by the distant sounds of waves and the wind rushing up against the half-opened windows of the car. There hadn’t been many cars when they pulled up, but Grayson was convinced at least one or two people must’ve seen his head bobbing, or the way Ethan let his head lull back and his jaw drop, accompanied by some beautiful, heavenly sounds that the younger twin couldn't get enough of. He was taking him down as best as he could, but it was difficult when Ethan was especially big and Grayson had only done this for him a couple of times before. 

Ethan’s hips bucked up tentatively and pushed Grayson down at the same time, wanting to hear his brother choke and gag softly around him. 

“Gray, fuck, _fuck_ ,” Ethan groaned, tugging Grayson’s hair in warning, letting him know that he should slow down. 

Ethan didn’t know how he survived outside of their relationship, in all honesty. Before him and Grayson first got together, he hadn’t fucked anyone or been fucked in months, and he truly didn’t know how he’d lasted that long. As inexperienced as Grayson was with this stuff, he loved all the accidental teeth scrapes and the gagging, because he was at least being cute when he did mess up. Maybe it was a bit fucked up that he found it to be such a turn on, but he knew Grayson didn’t mind him using him for his pleasure. 

Ethan was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard Grayson pull off with a gasp, panting as he stroked the length steadily. “Getting tired already?” Ethan teased, smirking down at him. 

“Shut up,” Grayson breathed and went to lap at the tip, tasting the precome that was collecting at the slit. “You make my jaw ache,” Grayson huffed, finally looking back up at him, though he was smiling, mouthing at the length as he stared up at him.

“Sorry, baby boy, can’t help it.” Ethan quipped and pushed his hips up, making the length glide a little easier between his lips. “Why don’t you take a break and sit in my lap instead?” 

Grayson pulled away and sat up a bit, looking like he was genuinely contemplating it. 

“I bet you’re still nice and stretched from earlier, too.” Ethan continued softly, before leaning in to kiss grayson deeply. “Before it gets too dark?” Ethan pressed, one of his hands already going to grope Grayson in his swim trunks. 

So, some days ended with them as teary messes for one reason and teary messes for another. 

Some days were better off left in bed and others were better left laid on soft beach towels and showered in golden sun. 

Being together was better above all else. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Woohoo! Tell me what you thought and what you hope to see in the next chapter! Come yell at me about it on my tumblr @/sweetestgrethan!


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